All is well

In a recent blog, I wrote these words: “I need help. I need abundance, I need money, I need business, I need rest, I need my self esteem to be boosted. I need guidance. I need love.” There was more to write about this and I am taking the time today to ponder on those words.

“I need help”: is this true? Do I really need help or is it my mind that thinks it needs help? If I think this thought, how does it make me feel? Helpless.

Our thoughts shape how we view life. If we believe those thoughts, as I wrote in that blog a couple of weeks back, we create a reality that is painful. Byron Katie calls them the “stressful thoughts”. This is the reason why some of us, despite the abundance in our lives, despite the love, despite the support, feel we need more. It could be that we want more. That’s different. Do we need more? According to Byron Katie, if we don’t have it, we don’t need it. And I have come to agree with her often unpopular philosophy. Either I have all the support that I needed right now but I fail to see it, or I don’t, but I am meant not to have it because the lack of support comes from the way I do things. I am actually creating this reality, no matter how much I might resist it.

Let me give you an example. Very often, we think “I need more money”. Apart from extreme cases, this is not true. As long as you have a roof over your head, as long as you have food on the table, you don’t need more money. You might want more money but that’s another matter. You might be skint. You might wonder how to make ends meet, but you don’t need more money. Am I irritating you enough by now? Well, if you had more money right now, you might not feel the pain of having to look into your poverty consciousness for example. Or if you are unwell in your health, and you feel the pain, if you felt better without learning the lessons from the challenge you are facing, then somehow, you would be robbed of an opportunity to learn some valuable lessons.

So “I need more money”, is it true? Well no. I don’t. What I really need is faith. What I really need is trust. Trust in the fact that the world is a benevolent place. Are you thinking: Is she mad? What about the wars, the famines, the murders… I have come to the conclusion that these things exist because they are needed by the people who experience them. These things are needed for us to see what we create and what is needed to correct the situation. These are just lessons.

I was told once that someone I know (I need to remain vague here and I hope you will understand) had died in a concentration camp in a past life. Itwas a client who needed a lot of healing, particularly in their digestive systems. As I wondered why so much healing energy was needed, I was shown about the past life. I asked my guides: “but why would such a person chose to live a life that lead to them dying in a concentration camp? Why?” I just couldn’t understand. The mere fact that concentration camps have existed has always created huge questioning in my mind about the “human” experience. What I was shown, was that that client had deliberately chosen as their path during their last incarnation to be deported to a concentration camp and as a result die from hunger because they wanted to have their faith tested and despite that incredible bigger than life challenge, continue to have faith in humanity. They had chosen to fortify their faith and apparently their past life had been a success.

I have recently seen quotes posted on Facebook from Ann Frank that point in that direction. There was even an article written by a historian that questioned the fact that those quotes were “genuine” backed up by a friend of Ann Frank who claimed that she would have never written such a thing. In the light of what I just wrote, I believe that Ann Frank might have had a similar “fate” or chosen a life challenge similar to my client: she wanted to experience atrocities and still decide to see the best in humanity and continue to have faith in it. And what a life path that is. Quite some enlightened beings we are witnessing here.

So to go back to our “little” challenges, comparatively, we have chosen them so that we could learn some valuable lessons and grow more compassionate, more loving, more respectful. And most of you know it is very difficult to have compassion unless you have been there yourself. Pain for example, is rarely understood until you go through pain yourself. The same goes for everything. So I am here questioning the way we approach our “painful” experiences and suggesting here that there is a possibility that “All is well” despite appearances. The challenges that we face, big or small, are meant to be and the quicker we learn the lessons from these challenges, the less they have reasons to continue to be in our lives.

I have embraced my challenges head on in the past few months and I have to say that Byron Katie really helped me take 100% responsibility for everything that is happening in my life. I don’t always know why things are happening, but my “new” philosophy is that if it is happening, then there is a reason and my only job is to refrain from resisting feeling like a victim and embrace the learning that can be found in each of them. That’s what spiritual gold diggers are doing. That is now my full time job. Whenever I see, feel, experience something unpleasant or challenging: I look within. What in me, created this experience. Because life is a mirror. Everything is created inside. And even if you didn’t believe in this, try it. You are the only one who can change. And if you change your attitude, if you clear your negativity and your victim mentality about what is happening to you, the “it’s not fair” reaction, you will give yourself a gift of growth. As a result, you won’t have to experience the unpleasantness for as long. As soon as the lessons are learnt, the challenge disappears.

All is well. Yes, despite external appearances, I believe that all is well. I hope that my blog is helping you see things differently. Sometimes it is very hard to understand why we go through challenging experiences but if you repeat the mantra that all is well, maybe this will help you have more faith in this world.

All is well. All my needs are met. What I wrote a few weeks back doesn’t make sense anymore. No I don’t need more money. No I don’t need more love. No I don’t need help, I am probably repulsing help by this tendency of mine to want to control everything. No, I don’t need more abundance. No, I don’t need more business: if things are quiet, there is a reason. No, I don’t need rest: I am having it when I need it because suddenly all my clients cancel. No, I don’t need my self esteem to be boosted: I just need more faith. No, I don’t need guidance. These are all fictions of my own thinking. I have everything I need right now. All my needs are met. And so are yours. And if they aren’t: time for action. Time to go within and look at the beliefs you hold that might come in the way of you receiving what y0u need.

Wishing you a perfect day

Anges de Lumiere

What is going on?

In the past few weeks, and some of you might have wondered what was going on, I have been feeling really blue, depleted, vulnerable, raw, over-sensitive, tearful, disorientated and generally totally exhausted. Some of it might have been caused by the death of my aunt, but not all of it.  I have been wondering what was going on with me because this is not me. Not even in the midst of the worst of my challenges have I been experiencing that kind of turmoil, almost like a tree that would have been uprooted.

Well, thanks to a sign from my angels, who decided to use a friend to do so, I have been shown what is really going on. I am shifting old energy. To my friends who are energy workers that will instantly make sense. I am hoping to be able to explain this to my other friends. I like to keep things simple so hopefully there will be some clarity for you all.

When we are born, we are relatively “pure” in terms of memories (although as I believe in reincarnation, I could question that too but I need to start somewhere) and then life experiences creates some emotional baggage that shape us. The positive experiences do not leave “traces”, they merely remind us what beautiful loving and loveable beings we are. But the other experiences, those that hurt us, shock us, make us feel inadequate, unsafe, fearful, that knock our confidence, impact our selves and leave what I sometimes refer to as scars, create baggage. Most of the time, we are not aware of those because we bury them deep into our subconscious. Just like we cannot process all of the information all of the time, we need to store these memories somewhere so that we can get on with life. The problem is that sometimes, we bury them deep within ourselves without having “processed” them because they come as such a shock that our bodies and minds go into freeze in an effort to survive the trauma. We want to cope. We keep a stiff upper lip. Or as a lot of us will understand, we keep on going and store it all inside us at what I call “cell” level. It won’t be long before the scientific community will discover that every cell of ours contain the memory of everything that has happened to us, as much if not better than our brain cells. And maybe they already have.  I believe that we are holographic creatures in this respect with each cell vibrating at the same level with the same information as the others.

These memories, if kept inside, can affect our health. And this is the reason why it is important to clear them so that they stop giving instruction to us as we drive, subconsciously. Clearing all these minor and bigger traumas can be done in many different ways. Becoming aware of them is a first step. It could be that you come across someone or something that reminds you of a time, for example, where you best friend dropped you to go play with your worst enemy in the playground. Maybe you see this happen as you watch your own child in the playground and it strikes a cord.

But for the most part they sit in the background and “densify” your energy. We all have an energy field around us, whether we believe it or not, that protects and helps us to assess if there is danger around us to keep us safe. It is wired into us to help us keep alive, from the time we were surrounded by wild dangerous animals. This field also contains all of the information about us and our past. And this is the field that clairvoyants tune into to know what is going on in your world. Like an open book. Every cell being a book in itself.

It is important in life, to clear that bubble. To keep it clean. If you live or work amongst negative people then your bubble can fill up with their own negativity. And this is why I love reiki and other healing modalities so much. It helps me clean my bubble.

But recently, something different has happened. I have gone through such a rough ride that it made me wonder what was going on. It started a few months back, with my forgetting instantly what had happened the second before and feeling disorientated. I could be driving and knowing where I was going and suddenly wondering where on earth I was, where I was going and what was the purpose of it all. This, as you can guess, is driving my partner crazy, and I can’t blame him. He has not yet taken me to the doctor. I know I do not have premature dementia or any other disease.

The other “symptom” has been feeling very vulnerable and more easily hurt by other people. I am very sensitive generally but it has been taken to the next level. And tears are always that close to coming out, sometimes for no reason at all. I never know from one day to another if I am going to feel good or not. If the sun shines, it’s much better, but it’s not a guarantee. And I have been craving fresh coconut. Well, all this makes complete sense if you put this in the context of ascension.

Ascension is just another word for energy shift. I hope you can understand that we are vibrating beings. The very essence of our anatomy, the atoms and the cells, are vibrational. And we each vibrate at a different frequency. The more positive you are, the higher your vibration. The more negative, worried, anxious, fearful, the lower your density. So the ascension process, really, is shifting upwards and that can only happen if you clear your negativity. That is usually an uncomfortable process. I know that for my part, that particular shift that has been happening since I did my green juice detox in January has been particularly intense and often enough, I have felt like retreating in my cave.

I know I am coming to the end of it and thank God for that. There will be more, probably, because it is always important to shift, clear, cleanse and purify our selves. The soul that resides in us is always divinely pure. It’s just the layers of wrapping that we have cumulated over the years in the forms of insecurities, negative beliefs, resentment, guilt, and other negative emotions shield the beauty of our own divine selves. And isn’t it wonderful to be able to shed those skins, or as I like to see it, peel those onion skins. What is to be discovered inside is just plainly wonderful and breath taking. This is what my angels show me when some of you come to me for healing. I am fortunate enough to have revealed to me the beauty of your own soul.

And we are all beautiful beings of light, whether we believe in the light or we don’t. It’s time to switch on that light full on and play with our shadows so that they don’t take such power over us.

Wishing you a wonderful day

Anges de Lumiere, Soul Awakener

My other mum didn’t live with me

As a child, I was convinced that I was adopted and when I told my mother, she felt very hurt. I didn’t feel I belonged. I thought there had been a terrible mistake and that I had been “dropped” in the wrong place. I guess that wound between my mother and me will never be healed. We still misunderstand and hurt each other. We seem to be coming from different planets. I don’t understand her. She doesn’t understand me. She hurts me and I know very often I must hurt her. I try not to but it seems inevitable. How sad? I was once told that me and her would only come to peace with one another on her death bed. I don’t know. So when I see all those flowery cards that talk about the perfect mum and how mums make such a difference, I find it so hard to relate. So hard to browse these cards and feel any warmth. And it makes me sad.

I had however a wonderful other mother: a woman who worked for my parents for over eighteen years. Her name was Tatie. Whenever I came home from school, I would rush to the kitchen to see her and today I want to write a tribute to her. I know that this would sadden my “real” mother and maybe that’s the reason why I have moved to England, write in another language and now use a pen name. I really don’t want to hurt my “blood” mother. She did the best she could and I know she loved me in her own way, the only way she knew. But she is so hard to love. So hard. I used to call her the hedgehog mum. Imagine what it is like being raised by a hedgehog mum when you are not a hedgehog. Ouch. And she pricked me only a day ago as she wrote me that “sorry but I won’t be sponsoring your race for life because we already have our own charities”. It seems like such a little sentence… so mundane. She cannot find five or ten pounds to give to sponsor her daughter who is running to raise money for the research for cancer. Maybe it’s because I am not her daughter anymore. I have moved abroad. I have “married” a foreign man. I now speak a different language and raise a foreign child whom she refers to as the “little Brit”. I am not the daughter she would have dreamt to have. I have abandonned her. Words were always her biggest weapons.

But instead on focusing on my official mother, I would like to focus on my heart mother. Tatie was married to a wonderful man who was an electrician. She worked as a cook before she was hired by my parents to help with my father’s medical practice. She was totally devoted to both my parents and helped my mother from the time my elder sister was six month old. I don’t know how my brother and sister feel about her, but to me, she was my real mother. Despite the fact that she did not have any children, she loved us with all her soul and without any bitterness. She would marvel at our every step, our progress, our children’s words and she would always greet us with a smile. I remember all my childhood, rushing back from school straight into the kitchen which was her “temple”. It was always warm and sunny no matter the weather because she was there.

Whenever she talked you could see that she adored children. And I know that if you went to see her today, she would tell you tales about what I was like a child, what I did that was so special and her face would lit up with the memories.

When I was fourteen years old, however, Tatie disappeared brutally from my life. I had been sent to the USA to learn English for a two month stay and when I came back, she was gone. My parents had fired her and I was forbidden to even mention her name. I didn’t know where she lived, nor her phone number and so she was gone. The next time I saw her, she was dressed all in black and was burrying her adored husband. I had never seen two people who loved each other so much. They were always holding hands, cuddling up to each other and Tatie would always tell me tales of how they went dancing together on a Saturday night, cheek to cheek. He was her king, she was her queen. Their marriage was such a refreshing picture of undevoted love. So to see her devastated, she had lost a lot of weight during her husband illness, in that big cold church, I run to her and we held each other and cried and cried and cried. I didn’t have enough tears to express how I felt. I cried for her, I cried for me, suddenly aware of how much I had missed her and how sad I was for her and for him. And today, as millions of people celebrate their mothers, I want to celebrate her.

After the funeral, we reconnected. I saw her regularly but it was never the same. I think something had broken inside of me and I was so afraid of losing her again that I somehow prevented myself from attaching myself as deeply. I still cherish her and call her to this day. But now, she is a very old lady living in France, and I live in England. She can’t travel anymore and I can’t travel either, for different reasons. But I hold her dear in my heart. And a year ago, I asked her if she would adopt me. She didn’t say yes or no. She just laughed, as you laugh at an exhuberant child. But I wanted to give that woman the recognition that yes, she had been a mother all along. She might not have given birth to children but she was a true blue full flegded mother nevertheless, in my heart. I don’t know who I would have been without her. I like to think that she saved my life and saved my soul.

So on this so very special day, I want to say to all those women who do not have children but who make a difference in the world of children, you are mothers too. Just because you don’t have children of your own, doesn’t mean you are not a mother yourself. I know some very lovely mothering women who are very dear to me and who make amazing aunties to children who need some external support, whatever the reason. And this tribute today goes to them. Thank you for what you do. You might not be aware of how much a difference you make but I tell you: you do. And I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

To all the women, mothers or not, who make a difference in the world of children. And to me that includes my darling mother at heart Tatie, my darling sister, Helene, my dearest cousing Mathilde, and my cherished two aunties who recently died, Christiane and Marguerite. A big virtual hug to them and all the other fabulous women who make a difference.

With love and light
Anges the Soul Awakener

Are you a serial giver?

This is a sequel to my blog about giving and receiving from last January. It seems that I have made a few steps on my path (its really difficult not to, anyway) and I am learning a huge new lesson.

I am what I call a “serial” giver. I give without measure. I am here when I am needed. I have always done that. Well, in fact, I use to do it to a point where I was on the receiving end of phone calls day and sometimes night too. I have changed that. When I decide to switch off my phone, that’s it. No more. But I have been there for others through storms and difficulties, I have shared everything I have with others to the point where now, today, I feel I have nothing left to give. Is it wise? I don’t know. I am not even sure I would do it any different if I was given another life. Giving to me is my way of life. And I might add, without strings attached.

But I have come to a point in my life, where I am hitting the ground. I am finally running on empty. And so I am now learning the lesson of receiving. Of allowing others to give.

My sister use to tell me that I was overpowering because I was so strong and so dependable and there didn’t seem to be any cracks for anyone to come in. My ex-husband felt the same, so much so, that he acted more like a child with me than a husband. I don’t know how much was me, how much was him. I decided, at thirty years of age, that I was tired with this superwoman role. That I was going to hang my cape on the hook and leave it there but habits die hard. And if people are used to depend on you, they don’t like it when you decide that enough is enough.

It’s not like I volunteered to help others who didn’t ask me to. I don’t think I ever interfered with unsolicited advice. But I was there for people who went through real trials. Some of my friends went through drug addictions, some of my friends have been homeless… gone through major betrayal from their loved ones, abuse, or even abandonment. Some of my friends have been living in poverty. I never thought twice about helping them. I always felt I didn’t do enough.

Yet I am coming to realise that if I was now in their position, I would find it extremely difficult to accept help gracefully. Receiving and acknowledging my needs are such difficult things for me to do. And for serial givers, that is normal. We have been trained from very young to disregard our needs. In the context of where I grew up, expressing needs was extremely dangerous. It was used against you. It was resented. You were supposed to be a happy balanced and needless child. Any neediness, any vulnerability was like an invitation to fire. And so in this context, I realised this morning as I was having a chat with a friend of mine, that I still hold that vulnerability about recognising that I need help. I would rather put up a brave front and pretending everything is OK. I did that for the twelve years of my marriage. A complete and total cover up.

And still now, I am putting a brave front. But now, I know that my lesson is in receiving. Receiving random acts of kindness, sometimes from friends who are grateful, sometimes from complete strangers.

I need help. I need abundance, I need money, I need business, I need rest, I need my self esteem to be boosted. I need guidance. I need love. Lots and lots and lots of love. Because I feel so damn vulnerable at the moment. I feel that I have given everything to serve God and the angels and I wonder why I am not getting anything in return. Sometimes I get up angry at them. But now I can see that I can only be angry at me. I am the one who wants to run the show. I am the one who is the control freak. This has been my defense mechanism for a long long time.

Because as long as I am in control – which is a total illusion anyway, I can pretend I am safe. But the reality is, I am always safe. I only need to feel I am in control because something in me doesn’t trust the Universe and life. Something in me has been planted from my childhood to make me believe that one needs to be on the outlook and to keep safe. So now, I am un-learning all those lessons and learning the lesson of abundance. And one of these lessons is that there is a need for balance between giving and receiving and I need to do my job to accept gifts from life. It’s not healthy to continue as I do. It’s also not healthy for me to give give give and undervalue myself.

And I am already so grateful for the friends in my life, including some friends on the internet, for helping me in this process. This is a process that I am sure many of my readers might recognise themselves in. Acknowledging our vulnerabilities is so difficult. Because very often people who seem so strong on the outside are really very small and vulnerable inside and that’s who I am at the moment – and probably who I have been all my life.

It is that vulnerability that has enabled me to put myself in the shoes of those friends that were in difficult situation and to be there for them and give them the best support that I could. I had this capacity to imagine, what would it be like to live what they are going through, how must they feel? What would they need most? And sometimes, it’s best to ask them rather then to double guess…

So what do I need right now? I don’t want money. I want support. I want acknowledgement that I am touching the lives of hundreds of people and that this has a value and that I am worthy of having abundance financially to put food on the table for my children, to buy them clothes, to buy me clothes, to enjoy a holiday, to have a car that works, to do the repairs in my house and when my head is above water again, I’ll start being generous again. I was shown that I gave before my needs were met in the hope that the Universe would pay me back. Well not exactly but that’s how I saw abundance working. But really the Universe only gives you what you give yourself. So I now give myself permission to be on the receiving end of help. I give myself permission to say I need. I have a fear in me that exposing that vulnerability will kill me or get me hurt… or diminish my reputation in any way, but right now, I am going to let it go because it is not serving me and not serving others either.

In this spirit I have discontinued quite a few facebook pages, I have decided to discontinue the free reiki clinic that I ran for over a year for women, children and babies… and I am asking people who want my gifts to be kind enough to value them.

Eckhart Tolle was homeless before he became famous. Not to say that we all need to lose everything before we gain back… but I do see a tendency for people who are going to leave a mark on this earth to go through incredible ordeals. These are the new sages. The ones who do not fear saying: I have done this, I have been homeless, I have been unfaithful, I have made mistakes and learnt from them. No more pulpits for modern sages. Ordinary people. Vulnerable, like all of us. Isn’t that more inspiring?

The best to you and your loved ones

Anges, Soul Awakener