This morning I attended a service in my village Church for the leavers of the primary school that my daughter was attending for her last day. I was early, so I went in the Church and got some work out and got busy. There were already a few mums there chatting away happily.
The Church got more and more busy and a lady whose face was very familiar to me sat next to me. For a brief moment, I looked up from my papers, smiled and went back in. I really thought things would not progress from there. And to be frank, my expectations are very low from the mothers in the village because I have now lived since December 2003 and not made a single friend. It could be me, or it could be them. It have certainly thought about the whys of this for a long time but never came to a satisfactory conclusion except that maybe it was due to the fact I was not from “here”.
What you need to know is that I am an immigrant and to make matters “worse”, I moved to this village half way through the reception year (first year of school in English primary school) and I supposed that most friendships had already been established by then. In fact, since having my third child four years ago and him going to the most established child minder in the village, I have learnt that friendships and link are started way before those little angels start primary school. Mums often have been to the same ante-natal classes, perhaps they were local as well so they know people from when they were children. Their kids then go to pre-school so by the time the children start primary school, things are already decided.
And so, me and my elder two children had to fight to make our own space in this close knit community. In fact, both my elder children have struggled to make friends all along and my heart was very heavy at witnessing their loneliness. Why did they have to live the same existence that I did? Don’t get me wrong, I have the most delightful friends. I am not a loner, but my friends often decide to move to the other side of the world shortly after we meet (and we keep in touch regardless) or they live far away (at least in terms of mother’s miles because once you start having children it’s hard to keep seeing friends if they are not local).
When I was still very brave and new to the village, I joined the local ladies club but I soon found out that no one wanted to talk to me so after about a year, I dropped out, a bit disheartened. I remember that my pew neighbour was one of the ladies who attended the ladies club.
To go back to the lady in Church, to my astonishment, she asked me what I was doing. Probably a remark in passing. And a conversation started. A lovely conversation I must say and I shared about my passions and what I do. And it was even sprinkled with bits of philosphy (you know me, I can’t do just small talk) about how our beliefs shape our lives. She told me that she was really enjoying our conversation and found it fascinating and she wished she had talked to me before.
I looked a little surprised so she explained: “I thought you were completely French”. I had to repress a smile and a question there but she quickly added “I didn’t think you could speak English and that we could communicate”. She was really remorseful and could see how silly she had been all these years and her explanation almost made me feel better. It wasn’t me, as such, it was what I represented: the unknown, the foreign, the difference. And she was able to see very quickly that her fears were unfounded and that she actually really enjoyed my company. I could feel sad about it, and she did say she had regrets but I replied that we still had years ahead of us (as I found out she had a younger girl that still had two years to go in the village school). I have no doubt that after the summer holidays we will be a lot friendlier. I don’t know if this is going to develop into a great inseparable friendship but I have been wishing for a friend in the village as it is so important sometimes to have someone close for a bit of help too. My child minder is a friend now and she is amazing but sometimes it is easier to have a mum friend at hand for lifts, or go to coffee after dropping the kids for a bit of comfort.
I am looking forward to talking to this lady again, after the summer holiday. And I admire her bravery for finally having the courage to talk to me. Maybe I wasn’t so much of a stranger after she saw my face for seven years in the playground. So can I invite you today to talk to a stranger. Talk to someone you would not normally talk. Step out of your comfort zone and reach out to someone who looks lonely or who doesn’t know anyone in your circle.
You will make their day.
To your happiness and well being
Anges de Lumiere
Soul awakener
How wonderful it is when we finally see that perception can open and close doors for us! it’s a lovely story, Anges…:)