mea culpa

Some of you who are friends with me on facebook might have noticed a recent posting of mine where I asked “do you sometimes feel like giving up?” I really did feel like giving up. I put so much effort into everything I do and for very little result indeed, as far as my work is concerned. Or so I thought.

I blamed my spirit guides and harrangued them as I felt they had abandoned me. I told them: “Why did you ask me to write this book when it’s just been a financial hole? I could just work a Tesco and not worry about money. What’s the point. You have failed me. I have given you everything. I left a lucrative legal job, followed your lead, put my life on the line, and look where I am now? Struggling financially and totally lost.” This wasn’t a pretty conversation I can assure you. And the next day, I was just in tears most of the day. I felt so abandoned by God and the angels. Just like I felt so abandoned by God and the angels when I was a child and life was so rough. And again when my marriage was on the rocks. And again when I lost my job in 2006. As you can see, I was bathing in the seas of self pity and doing a really good job at being despaired. All this because I… in my foolishness… had put some pressure on myself.

When the tears subsided and I took some time to center myself, I started to see things more clearly. And instead of believing that my spiritual guides had abandoned me and that this just wasn’t worth it, I came to realise that divine timing is not our timing. That although my business is in a bit of a financial pickle at the moment, I still have money from other sources to pay my bills and I am not at risk of repossession. I have food on the table. I have  a lovely house to live in. I have an amazing partner and sweetheart and three gorgeous children and three lovely step children and all the time in the world that I need. So in effect, my life is pretty blessed. It is only because my mind has decided that I have to earn some money, and it had better be quick, that I collapsed in this heap of self pity and felt despaired.

I have always believed that most of human misery is self inflicted and that life is 10% what happens and 90% our feelings about it. And here, there was a blatant example of this. I got discouraged because I had decided that September was going to be the month when money would start pouring in and because on September the 1st I didn’t have hundreds of pounds flowing in, I had a tantrum. Am I laugheable? Perhaps only human.

When the whole incident was over, and I was able to sit in an energy of appreciation again, I was downloaded some precious new information about the journey of the slim soul and about my next steps ahead… and I felt so calm and together because I could see clearly that the pressure had to be off. I had to stop rating myself as a success depending on how many books I sold or how many workshops I ran. These expectations were totally ego driven and ridiculous. And when I was able to relax into this, then a whole plan for the next three months started to unravel and I felt peace again.

Reading more about the Law of Attraction yesterday, I had another light bulb moment. I realised that it is no good pretending you feel good when you don’t and when you sit in the middle of despair. And I could see that in a very brief period of twelve hours I had managed to shift my feelings from despair to anger… and then from anger to frustration… and then from frustration to hope… and I read, in Jerry and Esther Hicks’ book that this is exactly what you need to do when you drop into negative thinking… pretending you are feeling good when you are not is pointless, but shifting up the scale of emotions towards more positive ones helps. And when you reach the emotion of hope, then all you need to do  is list the things you appreciate in your life. And I do that as a matter of routine in my life so when I reached the emotion of hope, I knew I was out of the wood. What a wonderful feeling. Just like climbing a ladder towards Source. And I am determined to climb higher and higher and to inspire you to do the same.

In the midst of my crisis, I also practiced Ho’oponopono, an ancient practice of repentance from the Hawaiian shamanic tradition. It is so simple most people don’t understand how it works but it truly brings miracles in your life because it shifts your vibration from that of negativity to a place of love and appreciation. It goes like this: “Dear (….), I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you” And in my case, it went like this “Dear God and the angels, I am sorry that I have though you had abandoned me, please forgive me for letting my ego take over and create doubts in your magnificence, your benevolence and your unconditional support and love, I love you and will always do, thank you for your forgiveness.” When I started to say those words (the simplified version) they felt a little shallow because I was still feeling angry and despaired, but by the end of the practice, I felt real love and gratitude. The energy in my heart had been restored to the beautiful unconditional love that helps me help myself and others.

To your happiness

Anges de Lumiere